Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Oh Grotationary Crustitutes -- I'm Going To Have To Sacrifice This Blog Too

I just can't win, it seems! Every time I have a blog, it ends up being accessible to my FOO, whom I desperately need freedom from in order to heal and live my life in peace.
What happened this time is that Google+ posted my last post to the PUBLIC, even though my Google+ settings are supposedly secured in FRIENDS only. I Could Puke.
This makes five blogs I've had to sacrifice.
I'll Leave You With This Healing Message:

I did receive a healing from my spiritual teacher on the class call Monday night! I have felt so completely free from alcohol since yesterday morning, and at peace.
  How Blessed Am I That I Helped Create This Healing?!
  I also feel that during the earlier part of the call (not included in the transcript below) it helped me cut the cord with CultAA. At the time, I didn't know if it meant that the cord was cut to the toxic CultAA of my past, and I was supposed to go back to AA in the present or not! My mind was open! It was when I woke up Tuesday morning that it was very clear to me that I am to be FREE of CultAA permanently!
  One more thing, I woke up with this in my mind early this morning so I wrote it down!:
  CultAA is an addiction, a sickness, a CANCER that kills. It kills the soul of it's followers. It literally kills the body -- of too many who commit suicide.
  And  now to something beautiful from Matt Kahn:

From 11/14/16 Angel Academy 7 class, call 2
I bravely entered a question online saying something about that I was drunk and wondering about if I was an alcoholic, and if it was affecting my ability to receive this lesson..... and to my great wonderment, Julie seems to have immediately seen me and presented it to Matt.
Needless to say, I woke up Tuesday morning feeling as if I'd received a healing and I QUIT DRINKING. (I'd felt that alcohol was the only way I could cope with the political stress, among other things):
Julie: ".....If we can face things head-on and not having to get lost in the drugs and alcohol....forms of escapism... to not look at it because it's too painful, and too hard to feel and go through...cuz we're all in this together."
Matt: "Yes, because of the multidimensional nature of this transmission, and because we are showing respect to the Akashic Records and the Universe in the work that we do, I always advise everyone when we participate in these calls.... and watching the be free of all influences, all drugs ---- alcohol. Because when you're on something, even when you're part of this kind of experience, your subconscious mind is still taking in the healing energy... but it's kind of held in a cosmic bank account until your body sobers up out of the intoxicants.
"So, it's not like things get in the way of this transmission, I'm not speaking superstitiously just delays the progress and healing that can occur right now when we are artificially altered. So my best advice to YOU, anyone on this call, and especially throughout your life, and I'll even say this just to broaden this.... because we're living in accelerated times, because we're literally already in the gravitational acceleration of ascension... now is the perfect time to be as healthy, alkaline, and as SOBER AS POSSIBLE.
"......It's one thing in history when souls are like 'wow, we have so much time before we get into that trajectory....we have so much incubation time where we can just check-out'...and I understand why a lot of people do check-out because on a soul level being intoxicated on drugs or alcohol is kind of on a very unconscious level giving the soul the remembrance and the taste of what your energy is going to feel like in the future.
"But we're not in a position of waiting for the future. We're actually in the acceleration of becoming and manifesting that future. So, in order for us to really allow the things we've always wanted, which is the full embodiment of our Divinity, and to bring that Divinity to life, and to manifest the most miraculous environments and possibilities for all of us to enjoy together as one, my invitation to you is: Now is the time in life to get as healthy as possible, as alkaline as possible, and to be as SOBER as possible.
"AND I SAY THOSE WORDS QUITE SPECIFICALLY.  (this is where I really felt he was talking to me directly)
"Because this is the time in history where this reality is such fertile ground for your highest expansion and evolution, that you wouldn't want to be altered. And to miss being fully present. For Any Second Of This.
"This is not just the lifetime we've all incarnated and waited for, this is the TIME in incarnation we've been waiting for. And the reason everyone either felt chaos or excitement when the election happened? represented the changing of the guard.... not politically....a changing of the guard vibrationally. And we start to feel like 'my God, this is the time I came to be really alive, this is the time I really came for' --- even if you don't know what you're feeling.
"So this is the time when we would honor, reverence, and respect that this is where everything accelerates and conspires in our highest favor. And in order to accept those gifts that life has been waiting so long to give you? We have to meet life in our clearest, most mindful, most respectful......AND MOST SOBER.....self. That's how life knows you're ready. And anything that would arise as a result of that? On behalf of the Akashic records, it is truly my honor, and Julie's honor, to be with you, and to serve the evolution of your journey, with compassion, miraculous grace, and heart-centered joy.
Julie: "And a reminder to love what arises..... love the you who experiences that.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Hurray! I'm Ready To Quit Drinking Again!

Thanks to putting myself candidly out there while drinking last night,
And thanks to my Facebook friends,
And thanks to Matt and Julie in the Angel Academy teleclass last night,
And thanks to my daughters,
And thanks to my psychologist, Emily,

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd had a healing!

And I feel like the cord has been permanently cut between me and CultAA!
Thanks to Matt Kahn.
So I don't have to fear or worry about needing CultAA ever again.
And in fact I don't need it, and haven't for nearly 10 years, as a mostly alcohol-free woman.

I don't have to go back to the organization that helped kill beloved Robin Williams, y'all.
Think about it, and think about how many suicides CultAA is responsible for: hundreds? thousands?
Robin was sober for 20 YEARS in the cult, then he started drinking again, then he went to them for help to stop again.
Do you know what they will have told him?!
They will have told him that he has to start All Over Again in his sobriety from Day 1!
They will have told him that ALL his sobriety meant NOTHING and didn't count!!
If I'm lyin' I'm dyin' ---- I know exactly what I'm talking about.
They will have made him raise his hand as a newcomer every day for 30 days!
Instead of telling Robin that he had a relapse, which is NORMAL in recovery, and helping him to dust himself off and pick up where he left off ----- they instead, UTTERLY HUMILIATED HIM!


The FACT is that MOST people who quit an addiction----2/3 of people----quit solely on their own!
There's a reason "they" don't want you to know that.

Even I had almost fallen prey again to the programmed belief from all my years in AA that I couldn't get and stay sober without them.

Oh! And get this! Because CultAA teaches that sobriety without them isn't real (it's "white-knuckling it"), the last time I was in the cult, about 10 years ago, a woman had joined who had 20 years alcohol-free sobriety on her own, and they made her feel like it wasn't worth anything! They made her start from Day 1. I KID YOU NOT. That says a lot, yo.

Sobriety and recovery are simply possible many other ways besides CultAA where they tell you there's something wrong with you if you can't grasp their simple program! They are STILL pulling that shit after all these decades, instead of changing it to that 'if AA doesn't resonate with you, there are lots of other programs that may, or you may be one of the majority who can and should quit on your own.'

I needed this pep-talk for myself after pressuring myself lately and being pressured by others to go back to CultAA!

If I went back there I'd break a vow I made to myself almost 10 years ago---and it's taking this long to even begin deprogramming from them!---they'd pressure me to do all kinds of things that I know are NOT in my best interests....

What I do long for is an in-person community of sober folks. The problem with SMART, LifeRing, and WFS is that they are groups combined with drug addicts, not just alcoholics or problem drinkers. Drug addiction and alcohol addiction are two very different animals. And for me personally, I need the focus to be about drinking.

I do have online support, and I do have myself, and I have done this many, many times, quitting up to five years at one point, and a couple two-year stints, a one year stint, and many months-long stints.

I can't know if I'll stay alcohol-free for life, and I really do wish I could go to AA for the community and the support and people I can call when I want to drink....... but how can I???!!!

Monday, November 14, 2016


Right now I don't know how to cope with what's transpiring in our country-----without alcohol.
I don't know how much of an alcoholic I am, because three nights over the past week I've drunk only one standard drink, except for last night when I drank 1 1/2 then poured the rest down the drain.
Other days I'll drink a bunch.
As long as I don't drive----which is why I gave my car keys to my daughter.
I live in bed 20+ hours a day, for the past 19 years, thanks to ME/CFS. I can't... just sit here marinating in this overwhelming stress and anxiety.
I Need Booze until I adjust.....

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Well, Sometimes We Need To Pretend To Ourselves

It's not the same as LYING to ourselves. PRETENDING TO OURSELVES is a loving and kind form of denial. Or working things out internally. LYING is malicious. PRETENDING TO OURSELVES is not.